Jamo & Elz Special Day
Mr & Mrs Ross, parents, grandparents, family, friends and future friends, it is my great privilege and a great honour to stand here tonight for the celebration of this marriage. My name is Gavin or GB but for now I will be MC. As MC I feel I should give a little insight as to who exactly the bride and groom are, this will serve two purposes, firstly it will dispel any rumours that they are obsessed with cycling and secondly, it will do away with those awkward moments when a Plus 1 invite gets to meet them for the first time ever later on tonight. Been there, done that.
So in keeping with the sporting nature of the bridal couple allow me to introduce them:
In the Blue corner, wearing a fine blue jacket, white shirt, I love Kitty boxers and khaki longs, weighing in at 2 pounds lighter than fly weight, three time gardener of the year, current world record holder for sustained and uninterrupted use of the word Munga, leading authority on swinging a golf club like a caddy, ladies and gentlemen I present to you James “The Miggie, The Macaque, Les Nessman” Ross!
In the White corner, looking absolutely beautiful and radiant in bridal attire, weighing in at nobody’s business, world champion of human rights, with career earnings of 1 Law degree 1 titanium wrist and 1 husband, Elzemari “Bionic woman of steel” Ross!
Let’s get ready to rumble!!!
Now this lovely couple met one morning when they were cycling and Elzi was barking orders at Jamo. As you will appreciate, a lot has changed since those beautiful moments during their first exchanges with her as instructor and him in her spinning class – they now spend more time on bicycles outdoors and Elzi is now Mrs Ross. But I digress, the sight of Elzi on the bike made it easier for Jamo to get up extra early each morning to commute through from Jhb to Pta and attend her classes with a flawless attendance sheet I might add. Hard work, determination and extra effort has most certainly paid off. One can only imagine and appreciate that at some stage, early one morning before the sun even broke the horizon and the birds and the bees hadn’t even planned their activities, something magical happened. Picture the scene – through a haze of heavy breathing and sweaty mist, the thumping music beat is silenced by the moment their sneak peeks fall out of sync and their eyes meet, forcing them to hold the gaze of lovers to be. One could say it was something like the moment a nagapie spots a juicy miggie perched on a Bianchi branch.
In a world where many may dispel the notion of true love and happy ever after, we, as family and friends have found a couple to pin our hopes on and we are here tonight to celebrate the occasion where things become real. Tonight is your night, we absolve you of all responsibilities and duty. These are the first moments of the rest of your lives together, and all eyes are on you, embrace it. The happiness we see in your eyes now and on your faces tonight will become our treasured moments when we look back on this special occasion, make sure you have the time of your life!
How do you know if someone has done the Cape Epic Cycle Race? They tell you they have. How do you know if someone has done the Munga Cycle Race? They remind you continuously that they have! In case you were wondering, Jamo has done the Munga and Jamo has done the Cape Epic. Did I tell you Jamo has done the Munga? After the first 5 min of meeting Jamo, I was convinced that no woman would be allowed to complicate his life and interfere with his marriage to cycling, how wrong I was and how thrilled I am that cycling has taken a back seat to his true love, Elzi. In fairness, after the first 5 min of meeting Jamo I couldn’t help but think of a quote from Bill Watterson’s legendary Calvin & Hobbes strip that said “The way his head is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing!”
To give some advice from a man who vicariously has lived through many marriages but never lived in one, I would like to mention just a few points that might help you on this journey you have chosen. I took reference from the very object that brought you two together – namely the bicycle.
A bicycle needs the following perfect pairs to function effectively and their relevance to your many years of happy marriage as a perfect pair is as such:
2 wheels – I will call them tyres rather, the one in front chooses the track or route and the one behind just follows. It has no choice, it’s a trust dynamic, very much like marriage. One will lead and one will follow but most importantly, they are interchangeable!
2 brakes – They work best when pulling together especially when there is danger up ahead. A word of caution though, if only the back one activates then it is called a ball and chain effect which many are familiar with. If only the front one engages then, of course, you will both see your arse.
2 pedals – You can be right or left foot dominant but both sides need to push and pull for best effect. Basically both of you need to put your foot down regularly to keep making progress but if only one foot gets put down then you won’t get very far…
2 derailleurs – These two items work together and basically have the same function BUT they can be working towards the same thing in a way that has no good long term prospects, is counterproductive and ends up in a broken chain. Check to see where the other one is and how it’s doing, if one is taking strain make adjustments (normally in the middle somewhere) and the results are the best
Spares – CAREFUL in this department! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be caught with any spares unless they are for your own bike or that are anything other than a puncture repair kit, golden link, patch and glue. Only take what you really need.
Fissan Paste – There simply is no substitute for Fissan Paste but in marriage you can find alternatives to get the job done. Fissan is used when you feeling hurt in ultra-sensitive and private places. Rub some of this in, better yet, get your spouse to rub it in for you and it relieves the discomfort and pain and speeds up recovery. Being a married couple you will both know what works best for each other when these hot spots develop and now that you are married it is also legal to tackle them! If all else fails, as the Late Great Vince Moore would say, just TTFU
There are four keys to happiness according to Joseph Addison, famous essayist, poet, playwright and politician in the early 18th century
1. Something to do
2. Someone to love
3. Someone to believe in
4. Something to hope for
I will add one more if I may – Everybody needs somewhere to belong. When someone feels a sense of belonging then competition is dissolved, the urge to control and dominate dissipates and the age old fight or flight response mechanism has no place. Belonging leads to contentment and contentment leads to true happiness. Elzi and Jamo, there are some certainties in life and one of them is this – you two belong together.
Before I ask Emile to come up and say a prayer to bless our celebratory feast I would like to propose a toast to absent friends and family and to those dearly departed. In addition, there are three people to whom I would like to also give mention this evening. Neither of more importance nor of less, but worthy of acknowledgement, these three men and their families, friends and associates, were instrumental in fostering the relationship we are here to celebrate and for giving it a HUP STOOT to ensure it went all the way to this beautiful marriage ceremony. I would like you to stand and raise a glass to Vincent Moore and Arun Green and, of course to Mr Jack Daniels, all of whom have played a part in your lives and are most certainly watching over us today. It goes without saying that each of these fine gentlemen are expecting a massive party tonight. So, to friends and family, near and far, with us still and dearly departed, who are not able to join us in body tonight, we say cheers!
Last but not least, life and marriage do not need to be complicated, after all there are only 7 colours in a rainbow but look at what we can see….