Dear Botswana

Dear Botswana

They say that one of the best ways to get over a devastating break up is to write a letter to your ex and tell them exactly how you feel. The idea is that you let it all out and then burn the letter and somehow your feelings will join the words, go up in smoke, and liberation will follow. I confess that I have tried this in the past and it never worked. Not even once. That said though, you are my ex, you hurt my feelings and the wounds cut deep so I am going to write to you and, contrary to popular opinion, not burn it but rather leave it hanging out there. Perhaps it will ring a bell with one of your past dalliances, maybe it will resonate with a current suitor, and hopefully it will fall in the path of one still blinded by the light.

I remember our first meeting like it was yesterday, it was not quite love at first sight bit it was pretty close. I crossed the border and into a land that was dry and dusty and yet had an air of freedom, opportunity, adventure and acceptance. At the time I played open cards with you and my modest means and lack of income were pretty obvious and yet you still welcomed me. The fact that I was living in a 48m2 house on the edge of the village did not make me an outcast but rather seemed to cement our relationship further. You were not even put off by me sharing my living space with a brother, a sister, a niece, two friends, 4 dogs, 2 cats, a Swainson’s Lorikeet called Happy, and some forgetful goldfish. Incidentally the pecking order for food, which was limited and bought only after special clearance on the very infrequent cheques from market research customers, was the same list of hungry recipients, but in reverse order. Again, you accepted me, you accepted us, and you were willing to host me and give me the opportunity to create a better life within your borders.

I was poor but I was happy. The stars were shining bright in the hot night skies and I felt ready to burn old love letters, escape the past that was haunting me and to create something new, a fresh and real chapter of my life. When the days were dark, the belt was tightening to breaking point and frustrations were at boiling point somehow you always calmed things down and showed me the value of the simple things. I gained an appreciation for the things that are taken for granted and I pledged to ensure that your valuable lessons would never be lost on me and I would return the favour as best I could. You always promised that as sure as the world would turn, so too would my tide turn, just enough to keep me going and more than enough to provide a life I would love. In essence, this was when our relationship turned into a love affair.

Our relationship was most certainly one-sided in the beginning with you being the provider and me the recipient. With time though, and again thanks to you, I was able to contribute more and more and I believe we soon reached a point where I was not only matching but also exceeding your expectations. On the economic front I was merely small fry but that said, I had begun to pay my way and was certainly not a burden. I also began to increase my involvement in the social and sporting fronts and this truly provided significant rewards for me on many fronts. The sport I love most became a vehicle for personal growth and becoming the National Team coach and Head of Development on the National Executive Committee were definite highlights as were the results and acknowledgement we received in the regional competitions in Southern Africa. As the months turned into years I felt more and more like we belonged together and this was supported by my fortuitous creation of my own company and the purchase of a second one which was a going concern. Further to this I had established annual collection and donation initiatives and I enjoyed supporting charities with recipients ranging from abused animals to vulnerable and orphaned children, the poor and destitute, the elderly and the terminally ill. Such was the support that I was fortunate enough to have from friends and community members that all of the fund raising drives I was involved in were hugely successful and this went a long way to even assisting unfortunate folk whose houses had burned down or those who had unexpected and devastating life events. All of these stories, individually significant and collectively substantial, provided me with immense intrinsic satisfaction and also helped me continue a legacy I was taught by the most important person in my life, my dearly departed mother, Norma. Even new running and cycling challenges always had a charity twist and there was never ever a person that did not wish to participate or not jump at the chance to support a worthy cause through effort and finance. On top of all this, our relationship went to the next level when I got to travel around the Country and experience the awe-inspiring delights that you so uniquely provide in abundance. Travelling to all corners were always journeys to treasure and the biodiversity and timeless beauty of your landlocked Country were sights to behold. From the centre of the Makgadikgadi Pans to the Tsodilo Hills and from the heart of the Delta to Mabuasehube, each as alluring as the next. Each making our bond stronger and the connection feel even more real.

And then the change happened. Slowly at first and then it just seemed to gather momentum with each passing moment. In the beginning I probably saw the signs but chose to ignore them or simply brushed them aside. A little comment here and a snide remark there. You know those insignificant moments that people become numb to until such time as the overwhelming number of them threaten to choke the life out of you and you are still left bewildered as to how it got to this? Sure, there were some crystal clear signs, like the renewal of permits, the whole procedure, the denial and the resultant appeal. The fact that the reason given was that I could not have two jobs, when one – National Coach – was a non-paying volunteer post I was filling for the love of the game and the furtherance of it in your Country. Then the denial of many of my friends’ and acquaintances permits and seeing families being forced to leave. On top of that I was hearing ‘f@#k off back to South Africa’ more often and almost every conversation around a fire ended up with the same concerns, work and resident permits. The regular police and SSG permit raids at home and work became particularly demotivating and I could hardly believe that there was such a forceful local empowerment campaign in effect when the Country had been independent for so long and also never subjected to a racially biased system as SA had. The tide had indeed turned and on my next permit renewal, the fact that I had entrenched myself in the Country and continued to try repay your hospitality (EG: A new initiative of mine delivered parcels to over 1200 people in remote areas) counted for nought as my denied folder found itself in a pile along with the 100% rejections by the Department at the time.

Yes, the magic and romance had vanished and with it the dreams I had of living out my life in a monogamous relationship with you. I am sure you will apportion blame on the fact that I left in a better socio economic position than when I arrived but is that not the idea from the get-go? Is that not the sign that we are both benefitting from the relationship? Is that not the dream and vision that any Country should wish for? I could not even find solace in the fact that you had not dumped me for someone else and that you were actually seeking to rid your existence of everyone that I had anything in common with. It simply did not make sense to me and it still does not. Nor does it sit well with me that there are still vehemently ‘patriotic’ expatriates that scream your praise from the rooftops and shout your rhetoric about being the best place to live when they all sit and suffer the anguish of permit renewals and appeals. Adding insult to injury is the launch of a movie which critics have celebrated as a “romantic and beautiful love story” epic but which is in fact a slap in the face of any person who has found love in Botswana and wished to pursue it there, be it a love of a person, the people, the land or simply, all of it.

Botswana, you broke my heart because you broke my family. You hurt me because you took away the friends I made and my ability to live among them. You devastated me because you would not allow me to feel welcome in a place where I could help those in need. You betrayed me because you have broken the trust I have in promises of better things for people who deserve it. Most of all, the biggest pain I feel is that you did all of this and you simply don’t care, your ambivalence standing high and mighty like Kgale Hill, and beating its chest with some kind of narcissistic pride.

Our relationship failed because you mistakenly believed you had it all anyway, and you were convinced that, just like all the other foreigners, I just wanted to take it. The truth of the matter is you will never have it all until you allow yourself to grow with others in a symbiotic relationship. A further truth is that I never wanted it all, I just wanted to be part of something bigger, something to work towards, something to pull people towards and something to believe in. Perhaps one day you will learn to care and the irony of the most romantic and beautiful love story will be erased, and replaced, with new happily ever after endings.

Am I the scorned lover that didn’t get what I wanted and now I am bitter about it? Perhaps. Am I the lover that you dumped because you were always confident of better offers from other suitors? Probably. Are you going to be the lover that let all the good ones go and hangs with the wrong crowd only to end up in an abusive relationship you can’t escape? While I sincerely hope and pray not, I think it’s a foregone conclusion.

So long and thanks for all the fish.